Dear My Neighbor Who Puts My Trash Can In My Driveway When I Don’t Bring It Up From the Street Fast Enough,
I hope you have learned your lesson. I am sure you thought you could, by leaving my trash can in the middle of my driveway, and thereby inconveniencing me, recondition me to bring my trash can up from the street after trash collection in a timeframe you deemed appropriate instead of whenever I was good and ready.
I am sure you feel like I brought the driveway-trashcan-leaving upon myself. I am sure you thought you were being helpful by bringing my trash can up into my yard. And at first, I thought maybe you were being helpful too, or maybe you just needed to park there along the curb. I didn’t know. But it started to get obnoxious, so I turned it into a battle of wills so that perhaps you might stop, in response to which you started leaving it in my driveway. You foolishly thought I might take a hint.
True, it was inconvenient to, once a week, have to get out of my car and move the trash can before I could park. But it wasn’t inconvenient enough. You see, rather than encouraging me to amend my ways, it simply made me thirsty for revenge. And so I kept leaving my trash can out in the street so that you would keep leaving it in my driveway until I could hatch a plan of vengeance.
And now that plan has chipped through its devious little shell with its malevolent little egg tooth and reared its hideous, vindictive little head. Now, vengeance is mine! Like I said before, I hope you’ve learned your lesson.
Feel free, if you would like, to escalate. I kept that piece of industrial strength fly paper (suitable for mice and rats!) I “accidentally” left on the trash can handle, attached to which you left a definitely-viable sample of your DNA (flesh AND blood, it looks like). That driveway is private property; trespassing is a crime. It is unlikely that I am going to be the “bigger person” about this, so it is probably in your best interest to fuck off. Please take my advice. Or at least take a hint.
Love,
Your Neighbor Who Leaves the Trash Can Down At the Street for Longer Than You Like
PS – Fuck you, busybody. Mind your own business.
MMmmmhmmmmm.
Word! I feel you on this type of crap. What’s the plan though?
that is … amazing, you should test his DNA for STD’s and disease, and leave the report on his door if positive.
This reminds of the scene in Red Dawn where the Air Force pilot tells a very young C Thomas Howell, “All that hate’s gonna burn you up.”
To which he responds: “It keeps me warm.”